In my post about managing The List - where I talked about the strain of being the sole person responsible for running three lives - I mentioned that I was trying to be kinder to myself. It's a work in progress and the good news is that it is getting better. For one, having Noisy Daddy look after Stickybeak every Monday has actually forced us to share the responsibilities for his care, whether it's cooking his food or taking him to the doctor, and that is frankly AMAZING.
But most of all it has involved doing a bit of mental rewiring. A few months ago I realised I had got myself into a very negative thought pattern and ever since I have been trying to claw my way out of it. It is a daily exercise.
My biggest problem was obsessing over decisions. I would make a decision then I would spend hours questioning it over and over and over again. I was losing sleep and seriously stressing myself out. Sending Stickybeak to childcare was a big stressor. Even though we had clearly and rationally decided that it was the best thing to do I still let the guilt and fear get the better of me. While I was beating myself up over it I realised that Noisy Daddy wasn't - in his mind we had made a decision and that was that. He mentally checked that box whereas I mentally kept erasing and rechecking. Reading this article about stress on the Sydney Morning Herald and I see that there is a name for this: thought attack, which is very appropriate. And I'm kind of relieved that I'm not the only one who suffers from this.
Here is what I am doing to counter thought attack:
*I am trusting myself ... I know that I don't make decisions lightly, especially big ones like childcare, so once I have made a decision I need to trust that it is the right one. In the childcare situation I just had to let it go - I told myself that we have made the right decision for now and if we decide at some point that it isn't working then we will revisit it. Box = checked. What a load off my mind!! It has also helped me deal with the naysayers (yes, unfortunately they exist).
*No decisions at night ... I read a study a little while ago that said people can only make a certain amount of decisions a day and that our ability to make good decisions gets progressively worse as the hours tick by. In my case I found that I was getting the most stressed at night, especially before bed. Now if something comes up at night that we need to make a decision on I put it off until morning. It's a little thing that has made a huge difference, not the least because we can get to bed earlier now without a major discussion causing a delay.
*By the same token, there is no more rethinking or obsessing at night ... Joss Whedon was right, the demons really do come out once the sun does down. If something seems slightly concerning in the daytime it will feel positively life threatening at 3am. Now if I wake up in the middle of the night I don't let my mind wander to anything serious. I tell myself that it just seems worse than it is and force myself to go to a happy place. (It usually involves Alexander Skarsgard ... was that too much information?)
*No more going solo ... Noisy Daddy is roped in on decisions, they are no longer purely my domain. He still has a tendency to defer to me when it comes to Stickybeak's care but I am putting the onus back on him. When he asks me what we should do I first ask him for his opinion. When should we try him on peanuts? I don't know, why don't you look it up and let me know. What cream should we put on that rash? What should we give him for lunch? etc etc etc. The questions are now evolving to "I'm going to give him an avocado sandwich for lunch, what do you think?" which is fantastic - we are in it together as we should be.
*Thinking positively ... this is basic but one so easily forgotton. Parenting involves a lot of troubleshooting of potential problems which means you can easily find yourself always thinking in the negative. Yes if we go outside he might ...get sunburnt, be frightened by a dog, fall over on the bitumen ... or he might enjoy the sunshine, laugh at a frolicking poodle and learn how to navigate uneven surfaces. Sames goes for childcare, maybe he will have a toy snatched from him or get pushed over by a bigger kid, or maybe he will learn about sharing and enjoy the company of other children. Bad stuff happens but it most likely won't, sometimes I have to remind myself of this.
This new approach is helping all facets of my life not just parenting. At work when I was thrown in the deep end on a task, instead of obsessing about it I gave myself some positive self-talk and it worked a treat. If only I had these strategies a lot sooner, like when I was 10, ha!
And last but not least, I am being kind to myself. Not just by using the strategies outlined above but by giving myself a break when things don't go to plan. I can't control everything and if life isn't perfect it isn't necessarily my fault. Sh*t happens and you know what, I'm doing a good job and I bet you are too.
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